How Valentine’s Day Can Stir Relationship Issues

Despite all of the stores best efforts to sell us chocolate hearts, cards, and cuddly teddy bears, here’s a harsh reality: Valentine’s Day can be an upsetting holiday–whether someone is single or in a relationship.

If you’re single, it can trigger thoughts like "Why can’t I find someone who wants to be with me? What’s so unlovable about me?"

And that feeling of being unwanted? It often isn’t just about dating—it can spill into friendships, family relationships, and even how you see yourself at work. Many times, these thoughts go WAY back to childhood, where we started gathering “evidence” that we’re somehow not enough.

If you’re in a relationship, it can bring expectations that lead to disappointment: "Why didn’t they do something special for me? Do they even care? Am I even in the right relationship??"

No matter which side you’re on, these reactions often come down to ONE core issue—and it’s actually not about love from someone else.

HERE'S A TOUGH-LOVE TRUTH: If you don’t know how to truly love yourself, you’ll always be searching for it from someone else.

And self-love? It’s NOT something we’re born with—it’s something we learn. We are taught to love ourselves by the messages we have received from others, especially when we were young. Sometimes the messages received were overt and awful, and sometimes they were subtle and sneaky. And the truth is, so many smart, successful, incredible adults still don’t know what TRUE self-love even feels like!

This is where relationship therapy comes in.

Many people don’t understand that therapy can help with either of these scenarios. You don’t have to be a hot mess or completely falling apart before seeking therapy; in fact, it is easier to get to wellness before things reach that point.

Therapy is just a way for us to understand our patterns differently and to have some healthy corrective experiences with another human being. Remember those not-good-enough messages you got growing up? It is absolutely possible to start healing the parts of you that have believed them, and start re-wiring more affirming beliefs about yourself. For many people, reading self-help books and listening to inspiring podcasts isn’t enough to replace these deep beliefs about themselves. This is why therapy for relationship issues doesn’t always mean working with a partner in couples therapy; sometimes the best option is to tackle some of these deeper wounds before doing couples therapy (or, simultaneously with couples therapy).

When these beliefs start shifting, you then start showing up differently in your life: You speak with more confidence, trust your inner wisdom more, take action steps towards your goals, and have more fulfilling relationships with others.

Maybe Valentine’s Day is the time to delve into learning how to love YOU more than ever before. Investing in relationship therapy can help.