Is it wrong to ask your partner to meet your needs?
Whether you can finally check the “In a relationship” box on social media or you’ve been married for 25 years, you might have found yourself wishing your partner would respond to you differently, especially in moments of stress or discomfort. Like that time when you got off of a stressful call with your mom…and he just kept being flirty with you and looking for a little “sexy time”? Or when you tell her that you don’t love the idea of her going to the bar for “Girls Night Out”…and she goes anyway?
It makes total sense that you are looking for your partner to attune with how you are feeling and meet you with support. But how do you know when they should be changing their ways…or you should be changing yours? If you do a Google search or jump into an AI chat to find out what to do about these situations, you’re likely going to get conflicting information. “Express your feelings! Tell your partner your needs!” is in direct conflict with “Your happiness is up to you. Stop waiting for other people to make you happy.”
As a therapist who helps clients with relationship issues, my answer to the question of “Should I be asking more for my partner to meet my needs?”, the most accurate answer is “Yes, and also…”. Let me explain.
I am always in support of clients having open conversations with their partners about stuff that shows up in their relationships. Conflicts, differences of opinion, and hurt feelings are going to show up in every relationship, but many of us have not been shown how to communicate about these in a way that leads to greater connection instead of disconnection. So yes—bring these things up!
But, here is where it gets tricky: You cannot put all of your eggs in your partner’s basket. They are your eggs, and ultimately your responsbility.
The key here is balance. Here’s what that looks like:
Yes, you should communicate with your partner about how you are feeling. Bonus points for using “I statements” like “When you are out longer than you plan to, I feel worried” and double bonus points if you can link that feeling to something in your past—especially your childhood. (Our childhood relationships with our caregivers set the stage for how secure we feel in adult relationships.)
Depending on the situation, your partner may be willing to see things from your perspective and may be willing to make a change. BUT—here’s where it gets confusing—the responsibility for change does not automatically fall upon your partner to change, just because you’re upset. If your happiness depends on others behaving the way you want them to 100% of the time, you are doomed to a life of misery; dependency on others keeps you chained to them, not truly empowered and free.
Whether your partner is willing make some changes or not, you will be the most empowered version of yourself when you do your own inner work. There is great power in understanding with greater clarity and compassion “why you are the way you are”, and this clarity can help you learn how to care for yourself more deeply—especially if others aren’t able to provide that to you.
Learning how to meet your own emotional needs is unfortunately not something we are born knowing how to do, and many people grew up in homes where this was not modeled or encouraged; this lack of awareness is often passed down generation after generation. For example, let’s say a child experiences a wave of anxiety on the day they are starting preschool, but their parent is overwhelmed by the child’s stress. This overwhelm could lead to frustration (“Stop crying, none of the other kids are crying!”), bribery (“If you stop crying, I’ll buy you ice cream later.”), enabling fear (“You must not be ready for this, let’s wait until kindergarten.”), or annoyance (“Ugh, Mommy really has to get to work. Can you be brave for me?”). Any of these responses unintentionally communicate to the child that their feelings are not welcome, and as a result they never learn how to move through these anxious thoughts and feelings. Instead they learn to stuff their feelings down, which might work temporarily but this build-up will eventually spill out down the road in some other overwhelming behavior.
Fast forward 20 years: This “child” who is now an adult still doesn’t know how to pay attention to their deeper feelings of fear, sadness, or confusion, and therefore doesn’t know to move through these tough emotions…so instead these feelings activate reactions like anger or anxiety as an attempt to control the behavior of their partner.
This is why so many people first come to therapy complaining about their partner, without realizing that this path should always lead them to understanding more about themselves. When you work with a therapist that specializes in relationships, you first need to understand the depths of you before you can begin to understand the depths of your partner. This is why individual therapy to address relationship issues is so often recommended by therapists that work with couples. When you no longer depend on your partner to solve your anxiety for you by constantly adjusting their behavior, you’ll be able to discern which things are yours to handle and where you need to hold them accountable.
And that partner who is unwilling to consider your feelings and perspectives, or unwilling to look at their own deeper emotions? If you have learned to trust yourself more deeply, you will be able to make important decisions about your relationship from a place of confidence, not a place of fear or dependence.
So when you’re trying to decide who should change—you or them—the first place to start might be working with a therapist who specializes in understanding relationships. In this supportive space, you’ll be able to learn how to tune into your deep-down feelings that have been ignored, how to move through them with compassion, and how to take steps with clarity and confidence.
