Holiday Stress: The Hidden Anxiety Behind Doing It All

The holidays bring out a lot of things—joy, nostalgia, connection—but they also tend to bring out something many of my clients don’t recognize at first: their anxiety disguised as control.
If you find yourself obsessing over the perfect plans, the perfect gifts, the perfect table setting, or managing everyone else’s emotional experience… this isn’t just “being organized.” It’s usually a sign your nervous system is working overtime.

And yes—even high-functioning people who seem calm, capable, and put-together fall into this. In fact, they often fall into it the most.

Why Control Shows Up So Strongly During the Holidays

Control is a coping strategy. It gives the illusion of safety when your internal world feels uncertain.
During the holiday season, there are three things that tend to activate anxiety:

1. Old family patterns resurface

Even if you’ve done tons of work on yourself, the holidays tend to reactivate childhood roles—“the responsible one,” “the peacemaker,” “the strong one.” One minute you’re feeling on top of your game at work and leading with authority…and the minute you’re in the same room as your family, you’re suddenly triggered at the drop of the hat into the child version of yourself.
Control becomes the way to manage the discomfort.

2. You’re carrying the emotional weight for everyone

If you’re used to being the one who smooths things over, anticipates needs, or “takes care of the vibes,” planning everything perfectly feels like the way to prevent conflict or disappointment.

(But it also prevents you from feeling present.)

3. High-functioning anxiety gets louder in high-pressure seasons

People with high-functioning anxiety often tell me: “I don’t feel anxious, I just like things done right.”

But underneath that is: “I’m afraid something will fall apart if I’m not managing every detail.”

The holidays amplify that fear because there are more moving pieces, more people, and more expectations.

The Cost of Trying to Control Everything

Most people don’t realize this until we say it out loud in session:

Trying to control the holiday experience for everyone else blocks you from having your own.

When control is running the show…

• You’re not enjoying the moment—you’re monitoring it.

• You’re not connecting—you’re managing.

• You’re not receiving support—because you don’t trust anyone to handle things.

• You’re not letting yourself rest—because rest feels unsafe.

And on a deeper energetic level, control sends out the frequency of mistrust, tension, and fear—which is why the holidays start feeling tense, even when nothing is wrong. Energetically, you’ve unintentionally attracted the very thing you worked so hard to prevent!

The Root Cause: Anxiety Disguised as Responsibility

Sometimes the anxiety is very apparent—to you and everyone you’re with. It might show in the way you’re speaking (agitated tone, raised voice), your behavior (rushing all over, barking orders at people), or even a full meltdown of tears at the slightest thing.

But sometimes, what shows on the outside is very different than what is happening on the inside. People with high-functioning anxiety rarely look anxious.
They look:

• competent

• dependable

• the one everyone can count on

• the person who “always pulls it all together”

But inside, they’re tightly wound.
And control is how they keep the anxiety quiet.

In Internal Family Systems (IFS) language: This is usually a manager part—a part of you trying to protect you from being deeply hurt if things went awry. It would gladly work hard to plan and excute perfectly if it means you’ll have a semblance of peace.

It has good intentions, but it comes at the cost of your true peace and authentic connection. It doesn’t know that there is another way to have peace without all of the stress.

How to Shift Out of Control Mode (Without Forcing Yourself to “Relax”)

1. Notice when control shows up

Notice when your body starts feeling stressed and ask yourself:
“Is this actually about the task… or is this my controlling part trying to protect me? Am I anxious about what will happen if this doesn’t go the way I think it should?”

2. Meet the anxious part with compassion, not judgment

Say to your controlling/anxious part: “I feel you. I understand how you are trying to help me feel safe and connected to my family. I appreciate how you are trying to help, thank you so much.” This is the voice of compassion, and feels very different than a judgmental part that might sound like “There you go again, trying to control everything. I know I need to stop trying to control—ugh, why can’t I just stop???” Judgment will only lead to feeling more unsafe, which can cause a spiral of other negative-feeling parts.

This simple internal reassurance of compassion softens the need to control.

(IFS therapy can help deepen this experience, since often times other “parts” show up in response. IFS is a great therapy modality for people with perfectionism, people-pleasing, and anxiety.)

3. Decide which parts of the holiday actually matter to you

Not what you “should” do.
Not what your family expects.
Not what keeps the peace.

Set your boundaries with what aligns with you, not others.

4. Allow things to be good enough instead of perfect

“Good enough” creates room for connection.
“Perfect” creates pressure…for you and for everyone else.

5. Set an intention instead of a plan

Believe it or not, your beliefs create energy, and this paves the way for your experience. Think of it like a magnet that only attracts more of the same energy. So rather than unintentionally sending the message “I will only enjoy myself if everything goes according to plan” (which stems from fear), get choosy about picking an intention that aligns with what you really want deep-down.

Try something like:
“I choose ease, no matter how things unfold”
“I choose connection over perfection”
“I choose authentic peace, and surrender what I cannot control.”

Intentions shift the internal energy, which shifts the external experience. They guide your choices and also influence what you energetically attract back to you.

If You Realized You Use Control to Cope… You’re Not Alone

This pattern is incredibly common for high-functioning, emotionally aware adults—especially caretakers, healers, and people who grew up being the “responsible one.”

The good news?
You don’t have to change everything about your holiday season.
You just need to stop carrying all of it alone.

If you want help untangling these patterns, healing the anxious manager parts, and experiencing the holidays with more ease and self-trust—not just this year but every year—reach out to an anxiety therapist to help guide your healing.